I’m admittedly terrible at being present. I’ve gotten in the habit of filling time with work, regardless of whether or not it needs to get done. Somewhere along the way, I forget how to have fun. The things that I considered “fun”, were actually just tasks that were used to shift my focus from my inability to have fun. Having this realization hit me like a ton of bricks. I was talking to someone who I consider to be a great friend. Her perspective means the world to me. She asked me a question that I didn’t quite understand at the time. She asked, “Are you compensating for something?” I had no idea what she was talking about at first, but this is where her perspective came in. Her perspective brought up so much emotion in me. This was the closest I’ve been to crying in years. Her questions have lead me to believe that I’m compensating for my brother’s inability to live a “normal” life. I would do anything for Jared. I want to fix an issue that I have no power over. I can’t fix any of his issues, but that doesn’t change the fact that I want to fix them. I also suffer from perfection. I put a lot of pressure on myself to be perfect. I know that perfection isn’t possible, but I still want to be as close to it as possible. This quote by Vince Lombardi is both my superpower and kryptonite, “Perfection is not attainable, but if we chase perfection we can catch excellence.” I make personal sacrifices because I think I’m helping others. This is not the case, by making sacrifices I’m not helping anyone. Overall, I think I may have stumbled across the source of current struggles. Now it’s time to create a plan and execute!
From now on, I will be making a conscious effort to find my version of fun. I will work on creating more memories and experiences. I want to be more present and appreciate the things that are going on around me because this very moment will never come back! I’m going to take action on this by planning out experiences and trying new things. I need to push myself out of the comfort of my routines. Routines help me become successful, but they can hinder me when I rely on them. I tell myself that it’s okay to rest and have fun, but I just don’t believe it yet. It’s going to take time, but I will accomplish this! In 20 years, I don’t want to be 39, burnt out, dissatisfied, and full of regret. I don’t want my kids to ask me to have fun with them, but I’m too busy to witness the real importance in life. I want to be there for others so bad that I’m not there for them. I think that by working I’m actually helping them, but what they need is for me to be presently there. Tomorrow is not promised!